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Visit USAF Vet-923294's column >>

USAF VET-923294

Articles Posted: 111  Links Seeded: 133
Member Since: 3/2009  Last Seen: 5/15/2012

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The Rose Murder

Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:02 PM EST
entertainment, short-story, usaf-vet, scott-butki-challenge
By USAF Vet-923294

Photo by Toni. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)

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This is my entry for this Scott Butki Challenge.

"RITA!" I yelled. Yet, I knew Rita could not hear me. Only other plants can hear a rose screaming, but I had to try.

The tile was cold as ice and I felt it numbing my pedals. I didn't mind. The cold actually made the itching of my pedals feel better.

"RITA! Get your pen thingy. Hurry!" I cried.

Rita was already barely breathing and now she had gone down on all fours and was crawling.

"My God, she isn't going to make it." I thought as I watched her collapse to the tile.

Now, she laid there next to me and was turning blue.

"Damn bee!" I screamed at the bug lying on the floor. "You didn't have to sting her."

I laid there watching, unable to do anything as the life seeped out of her. A darkness came over her as her breathing became shallow.

I had spent my whole life growing in hopes of being given to a lover by a lover. My brother wanted to be part of a center piece, but I had higher hopes. This was not something I had ever wanted to be a part of. What flower in their right mind - and I am not talking about Mum's, because we all know they are never in their right mind - would want to be a witness to a murder.

I suddenly saw a shadow at the door and my hopes began to build as the door slowly opened.

"You?" I thought. The very reason I was in this situation was standing at the door.

He had met Rita when she had given him a parking ticket. In return he had thanked her and asked her out for tea. Rita had fallen for him, because he was nice and accepted the fact that he was wrong.

She went out with him that evening and this morning he had placed me at her door.

He looked down and saw her lying there. She slowly lifted her arm toward him and then her arm fell back to the cold tile.

Without a word he started yanking open drawers and looking. He moved quickly from one drawer to the next and then stopped and looked around the room. I knew what he was looking for.

He rushed to the other side of the room and yanked open the closet door. He stepped inside. I heard him rustle around a bit. Then he rushed out and came up to me and Rita.

Kneeling down he took her hand and spoke.

"Rita, I am so sorry that I had to do this." He said and held up her pink copy of the ticket she had given him.

"Remember the man who died of a heart attack yesterday? I did that job and you were the only one who can place me there." He stuffed the pink copy into his pocket and held the Epy pen thingy up as if to show her. Then he laid it just out of her reach.

"Getting that bee into that flower was very difficult. Yet, after that dance you did last night to avoid that bee and then your disclosure of the allergy...well, let's say you left me with the perfect solution."

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Published to:

  • USAF Vet-923294's Column, All of Newsvine
  • Groups: Fiction Writers, Imaginary friends, Invisible Viners, Scott's Writing Assignments, Short Stories
  • Regions: none
  • Public Discussion (23)
USAF Vet-923294

Hope you enjoy my story and I hope it meets all the criteria of the challenge.

Thanks for stopping by!

  • 4 votes
Reply#1 - Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:05 PM EST
Scott (Scoop) Butki

This is brilliant - I gave you (and others) a tall order but you pulled it off with apparent ease and wit.

Think Raymond Chandler meets Beatles meets a flower society.

  • 3 votes
#1.1 - Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:06 AM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you very much, Scott. It makes me very happy that you enjoyed it so much.

  • 1 vote
#1.2 - Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:33 PM EST
Reply
PenniD

Great story, great ending. I enjoyed it, but I am a sucker for a mystery.

  • 1 vote
Reply#2 - Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:12 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thanks Penni! I am glad you enjoyed it. I tried hard not to give the ending away before it was necessary. Hope it mislead you a bit. ;0 )

  • 2 votes
#2.1 - Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:41 PM EST
PenniD

Like Alfred Hitchcock's movies, I didn't see it coming.

  • 1 vote
#2.2 - Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:43 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Good to know. Thanks!

  • 2 votes
#2.3 - Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:15 PM EST
Reply
Tony Wlliams

:) That was as good as the bee's knee's.

  • 2 votes
Reply#3 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 3:52 AM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you Tony. I am glad you enjoyed it.

  • 2 votes
#3.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:46 PM EST
Reply
Zanyzazu

Hmmmmm I was suspicious as one who has 7 minutes to live and carries a kit......should zee bee dare to sting........

Good story........

  • 1 vote
Reply#4 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:57 AM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you. I thought about the possibility of making some type of poison that she would breath in when she smelled the flower, but then I thought about the flowers thorns and a possible misdirection there. That lead me to the bee.

  • 2 votes
#4.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:51 PM EST
Reply
Kori

Cute as a bug's ear kind of story ... creative ... from the perspective of the rose disappointed by an unfortunate twist of fate. The only slightly confusing part was the heart attack victim -

"Remember the man who died of a heart attack yesterday? That was me ..."

It seems like he's that HE was the heart attack victim, or are you saying the perpetrator caused the victim to have a heart attack? Seems to need a little clarification if I'm reading this accurately. Good job!

  • 1 vote
Reply#5 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:52 AM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you. Check it now. I rewrote the part to try to make it clearer.

  • 2 votes
#5.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:56 PM EST
Kori

USAF - Much better. Rereading my comment, I wasn't very clear either. My excuse is post surgery drugs. Should have seen my Fbk comments yesterday ... lol! Great story though ... liked the unexpected twist at the end.

  • 2 votes
#5.2 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:54 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you. I think you were right that I needed to clean that up a bit.

  • 2 votes
#5.3 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 5:10 PM EST
Reply
Soovivers

Very Interesting Ben! I don't think I wanna do this challenge. lols

  • 3 votes
Reply#6 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:08 AM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Oh come on now. I have read your stories and they are at least as good as this if not better. ;0 )

  • 3 votes
#6.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:58 PM EST
Reply
Perrie

Ben,

Great story, but OMG my nightmare. I am deathly allergic to bees and I have an epi pen, too. I have had many a close call, and that pen was a life saver for me! That story was pure evil, and well told.

  • 3 votes
Reply#7 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:24 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you, Perrie. I had to put a lot of thought into this one.

  • 3 votes
#7.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:50 PM EST
Reply
Sydney - 5

Great job! I love both a good mystery and flash fiction. You've combined the two in a very creative way. I loved it.

  • 3 votes
Reply#8 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:05 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

Thank you, Sydney. After giving it some thought, I only saw one way to do the challenge.......twisted. LOL ;0 )

  • 4 votes
#8.1 - Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:45 PM EST
Reply
believer-369603

Ah, Ben, I always suspected it----

You have a secret inner dark place where you hide morbid fantasies. you sly dog, you.

Oh, and thanks for the roses.

  • 4 votes
Reply#9 - Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:19 PM EST
USAF Vet-923294

I hide the dark side and am afraid to let it out, because you never know what may happen.....

  • 4 votes
#9.1 - Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:47 PM EST
Reply
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